oh, and by the way.
it turns out the koa tree is a eucalyptus.
fuck.

sunsetty skies

sinking sun.
pretty much the prettiest most amazing sight.
before the sun has dipped below the horizon and everything takes on that watery orange glow.
you know the one i'm talking about.
i was kind of irritable today, then i saw that.
that gorgeous glow.
everything just seems so much better and so much more bearable.

speaking of bearable.
i feel as though things are bearable.
not enjoyable.
or awesome.
but bearable.

is that right?

--------------------
just so you know, i'm not this depressed and horrible sounding in real life.
this is just the demons talking.
; )

my aching head (heart?)

i'm sick. my head is aching. it's a sinus headache. it hurts soooo bad. i feels like theres a tiny man with a giant vacuum sucking my brain out of my skull. dear god.

besides that, today was a decent day. i went to sandy's with kyle and his visiting boys. i like boys. they're much more fun than girls.
but not my girls.

this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.
i'm not going to make it, i dont think. this static energy is kiiiiilling me. i feel like an old dryer sheet stuck to an old pair of jeans.
except i don't smell as good.

i'm so excited i'm peeing my pants. well, not really peeing my pants, but excited anyhow.
and scared.
and worried.

i think im going to go wax my eyebrows. more later.

its possible

leaving leaving leaving.
six hundred dollars, from here to there. its a possibility.
not probable.
but most definetly possible.
i could go. i could do it. i could get the fuck of this rock.
but what would i do when i go there?
where would i go? who would i live with.
may. june. july. August.
1, 2, 3 months away. can i do it? could i make it?

i'll never know if i don't try.

home?

a lot happened this time.
went home.
learned a lot.

its strange when you think you know who a person is, and they turn out to be someone entirely different. when you know someone your entire life and it turns out they're a complete fraud.

much like looking in the mirror.

strange to think you don't know who you are anymore. or what you believe in. or what you're supposed to hold on to. because i dont. i just don't know anymore.
i thought everything would be ok. i thought things were getting better. but i find my mind wandering at the most inappropriate moments. i find myself releasing the darkest, strangest thoughts. well. not exactly so, but sort of. none of this makes sense, i know. but it's ok. because i understand.

i'm looking through my apartment window right now. outside, not 50 yards away, is a roaring freeway. the cars are rushing and squeaking by; heading towards a predetermined destiny. standing tall between my apartment and that freeway is a koa tree. he is all alone. sure, there are other trees around him, but he is the most peculiar. this exceedingly rare and endangered tree is in my very own backyard. hah, back yard, that's a joke. my backyard is a parking lot full of shiny cars standing between me and a busy freeway full of more shiny cars.

sometimes i think about running away. about buying a ticket and finding a new place to be. surround myself by strange people and strange tastes. i want to get the hell out of here, sometimes. i want to leave everything i know behind and start anew. i want to make a break for it, into the great unknown.

there's a giggly feeling in my tummy. i like the way it makes me feel.
a late night under the stars.
cool air tickling my mind.
absolutely Delicious.
somewhere, deep inside, a quiet voice told me i was wrong. told me to turn back now.
i paid no attention. the stars were shining brighter than i'd ever seen them. and the night air was crisp and calm.
there was no sound, not a whisper from the trees above.
not a sound but a pounding coming from my chest.

something tells me a shift is happening. something will be different soon.
i'm not sure what yet.
but something new.
i promise you that.

things past

i've been thinking a lot about the past. i'm not really sure what the catalyst was. a switch was flicked and a light turned on.
or maybe off.
i don't really know.

it's time to move on from the past. i can't think about what i've done and where i've been. i've always tried to live with no regrets; there's nothing i can change about whatever it is that's happened. i can only move on from here and try not to make the same mistakes twice.

but the difficulty is in knowing the mistakes, in being able to identify just what mistake was made. how do i know? how can i be sure of what is right? i suppose only time will tell. something will happen and i will know. i can put my head down and keep on going. hopefully
...i hope against hope...
i will know.

is it in the knowing?
maybe i'm not supposed to know.

is anything ever really a mistake? theres no other way anything can happen. once an event has occured, it can't really be a mistake, can it? there's no way to change it. it may have not been the best option, but it couldn't have happened any other way.

so there are no mistakes. only opportunities for growth. individual growth and healing, i suppose. maybe making a 'mistake' is simply life's way of giving us an opportunity to grow up a little.
i've never thought of it like that before.

oh, so, i'm using a different computer. i'm at home, on the big island. i got to blogspot, or whatever, and i was already signed in. i made this account in oahu, on my laptop. i haven't used it since i've been here; no one else know i even have it.
what the hell?
i was very confused.
oh well. somethings in life are a mystery to me.

good night.

on second thought, i'm kind of in a writing mood tonight.

hilo is incredibly boring with no friends or boyfriend around. the strange thing is, even so, i feel so much lighter here than at home. (wow...oahu is home...i didn't really mean to type that.) i feel happy and content. i haven't felt this way in a really long time.

i could be feeling good because the semester is finally over. i passed all my classes and finally feel like im making some progress.
this has been a really rough few months for me. real rough. i've gotten a lot closer to some pretty awesome people, but pushed a really important one away. i feel like a circus act sometimes; i'm trying to balance on this thin line...one wrong move and i'll come crashing down.
i wish i could have all the people close to me that i wanted. (does that make sense?) but i know it's not possible and it breaks my heart. two of the most important people in my life have never met, but completely hate each other. its sucks. and it hurts. and it tears me up inside.
but what can i do? what can i do to make everything okay? i dont know if it's really possible.

i feel like there's So much i'm not saying. so much i'm hiding and keeping inside. i wish it didn't have to be that way. but it is. and it's sad. it makes me sad and i'm not a sad person.
thats not true, i've always been sad. but i don't want to be sad anymore. i feel happy, but i know it's only temporary. i know the sadness will come back.

but that's ok. i know, somewhere deep inside, that things will work out. they may not work out the way i want them to, but everything will be okay in the end.

it's just getting to the end that's the tough part.

good morning

so, i used to have a blog.
i forgot about it.
then frank unknowingly reminded me of it. now i have to start all over, which is ok.
more later.