things past

i've been thinking a lot about the past. i'm not really sure what the catalyst was. a switch was flicked and a light turned on.
or maybe off.
i don't really know.

it's time to move on from the past. i can't think about what i've done and where i've been. i've always tried to live with no regrets; there's nothing i can change about whatever it is that's happened. i can only move on from here and try not to make the same mistakes twice.

but the difficulty is in knowing the mistakes, in being able to identify just what mistake was made. how do i know? how can i be sure of what is right? i suppose only time will tell. something will happen and i will know. i can put my head down and keep on going. hopefully
...i hope against hope...
i will know.

is it in the knowing?
maybe i'm not supposed to know.

is anything ever really a mistake? theres no other way anything can happen. once an event has occured, it can't really be a mistake, can it? there's no way to change it. it may have not been the best option, but it couldn't have happened any other way.

so there are no mistakes. only opportunities for growth. individual growth and healing, i suppose. maybe making a 'mistake' is simply life's way of giving us an opportunity to grow up a little.
i've never thought of it like that before.

oh, so, i'm using a different computer. i'm at home, on the big island. i got to blogspot, or whatever, and i was already signed in. i made this account in oahu, on my laptop. i haven't used it since i've been here; no one else know i even have it.
what the hell?
i was very confused.
oh well. somethings in life are a mystery to me.

good night.

on second thought, i'm kind of in a writing mood tonight.

hilo is incredibly boring with no friends or boyfriend around. the strange thing is, even so, i feel so much lighter here than at home. (wow...oahu is home...i didn't really mean to type that.) i feel happy and content. i haven't felt this way in a really long time.

i could be feeling good because the semester is finally over. i passed all my classes and finally feel like im making some progress.
this has been a really rough few months for me. real rough. i've gotten a lot closer to some pretty awesome people, but pushed a really important one away. i feel like a circus act sometimes; i'm trying to balance on this thin line...one wrong move and i'll come crashing down.
i wish i could have all the people close to me that i wanted. (does that make sense?) but i know it's not possible and it breaks my heart. two of the most important people in my life have never met, but completely hate each other. its sucks. and it hurts. and it tears me up inside.
but what can i do? what can i do to make everything okay? i dont know if it's really possible.

i feel like there's So much i'm not saying. so much i'm hiding and keeping inside. i wish it didn't have to be that way. but it is. and it's sad. it makes me sad and i'm not a sad person.
thats not true, i've always been sad. but i don't want to be sad anymore. i feel happy, but i know it's only temporary. i know the sadness will come back.

but that's ok. i know, somewhere deep inside, that things will work out. they may not work out the way i want them to, but everything will be okay in the end.

it's just getting to the end that's the tough part.