home?

a lot happened this time.
went home.
learned a lot.

its strange when you think you know who a person is, and they turn out to be someone entirely different. when you know someone your entire life and it turns out they're a complete fraud.

much like looking in the mirror.

strange to think you don't know who you are anymore. or what you believe in. or what you're supposed to hold on to. because i dont. i just don't know anymore.
i thought everything would be ok. i thought things were getting better. but i find my mind wandering at the most inappropriate moments. i find myself releasing the darkest, strangest thoughts. well. not exactly so, but sort of. none of this makes sense, i know. but it's ok. because i understand.

i'm looking through my apartment window right now. outside, not 50 yards away, is a roaring freeway. the cars are rushing and squeaking by; heading towards a predetermined destiny. standing tall between my apartment and that freeway is a koa tree. he is all alone. sure, there are other trees around him, but he is the most peculiar. this exceedingly rare and endangered tree is in my very own backyard. hah, back yard, that's a joke. my backyard is a parking lot full of shiny cars standing between me and a busy freeway full of more shiny cars.

sometimes i think about running away. about buying a ticket and finding a new place to be. surround myself by strange people and strange tastes. i want to get the hell out of here, sometimes. i want to leave everything i know behind and start anew. i want to make a break for it, into the great unknown.

there's a giggly feeling in my tummy. i like the way it makes me feel.
a late night under the stars.
cool air tickling my mind.
absolutely Delicious.
somewhere, deep inside, a quiet voice told me i was wrong. told me to turn back now.
i paid no attention. the stars were shining brighter than i'd ever seen them. and the night air was crisp and calm.
there was no sound, not a whisper from the trees above.
not a sound but a pounding coming from my chest.

something tells me a shift is happening. something will be different soon.
i'm not sure what yet.
but something new.
i promise you that.